Black Bear Steak with Peppercorn Sauce - Bear Recipes #01

This is a delicious black bear steak topped off with a nice peppercorn sauce. Although the recipe is mildly time consuming, you will swear you were eating at a 5-star restaurant!

Prep time: 1 hour

Cook time: 30 minutes

Ready in: 1 1/2 hours

Ingredients

Peppercorn Sauce:

1 1/4 cups bear broth

2 teaspoons black pepper

2 ounce Johnny Walker - Black Label

1 cup heavy whipping cream

Black Bear Steaks:

4 (6 ounce) bear steaks

1 teaspoon olive oil

1 cup mushrooms

1 teaspoon minced shallot

1 clove garlic

2 ounce Johnny Walker - Black Label

1 teaspoon Dijon mustard

Directions:

1. Prepare Peppercorn Sauce: combine bear broth and black pepper in a small saucepan over medium heat. Simmer until reduced to 1 cup. Add whiskey and cream. Continue to simmer until reduced to 1 cup. Remove from heat and set aside.

2. Prepare the Steak: wrap 1 slice of bacon around each steak and hold in place with toothpicks, then set aside. Heat olive oil in large cast iron skillet over medium heat. Saute shallots and garlic for 1 minute. Stir in mushrooms and saute until soft, then set aside.

3. Place black bear steaks in skillet and cook as desired. Remove from skillet and keep warm. Deglaze skillet using whiskey. Reduce heat and stir in peppercorn sauce plus dijon mustard. Add mushroom mixture and reduce sauce until it thickens. Remove toothpicks from black bear steaks and top with sauce.

Enjoy!

  

Another One Bites the Dust! (graphic bear suicide #02)

Basic Universal Bear Killing Technique

     I understand that many of you who visit this blog are mildly confused. You love the idea of bringing down the bears, but you don't know where to start. First of all, take a deep breath. Even us professionals get a few butterflies flapping around the stomach before a good ol' fashion bear hunt. Just look straight into the mirror and say, "fuck you butterflies! I'm a bear killer now!"
   
     Great job! Now you are ready to learn your first basic, universal bear killing technique! The first thing you want to do (after you are locked and loaded, of course) is visit your local grocer and pick up a large jar of peanut butter. Now, I know some of you advanced bear hunters are rolling your eyes right now and thinking, "oh, lord! He is using the peanut butter trick? What an amateur." Yes, this is a very basic technique. But I assure you, I have developed many of my own secret techniques that are so advanced they will make most veteran bear hunters dizzy. Be patient. This is just the beginning of our journey together.
   
    Now, if this is your first time, take two small steps into the forest. You should see 12 - 15 bears in plain sight. (WARNING: do NOT take more than three steps into the forest or you will be surrounded by bears!) Next you are going to open your jar of peanut, throw it a few yards away and yell, "BRING DOWN THE BEARS!" (Fact: bears are so stupid, you can practically yell anything and they will come).
 
    At this point, you should have 2 or 3 bears who have peanut butter stuck to the roof of their mouth. Perfect. Now get in a comfortable firing position and take your shot.

     Congratulations! You just successfully killed your first bear(s)! Now you are ready to learn your next bear killing technique (coming soon).
   

Bears I Respect - (graphic bear suicide picture #01)

Every so often I come across a bear I genuinely trust. Bring Down the Bears!

Enhanced Bear Elimination Technique #1

Bring Down the Bears! (a brief introduction)

Warning: This sun bear has no intention of eating fruit today. Are you willing to be the next victim? I didn't think so.

        Let me be very clear; there is not a species of bear that I do not hate. Even the beloved koala "bear" (which is technically a marsupial) deserves the worst and most gruesome of deaths. Maybe you are thinking to yourself, "but what about the elusive sun bear? Certainly you don't wish death upon a simple omnivore? Those bears are of no threat to you." WRONG! I don't give a fuck about sun bears. Do you really think they are harmless because they eat ants, termites, fruits and honey? BULLSHIT!

      Let me guess, now (besides crying like a little bitch) you are thinking to yourself, "why all the bear hate? Clearly this man is delusional." Wrong again mother fucker. Did you realize you are more likely to get attacked by a bear than be the victim of a terrorist attack? Well as I recall, there is a huge campaign to track down and kill terrorists. So let me ask you this, why do bears get granted immunity?

      Living  in the mountains, one might reason that I am safe from "terror." After all, terrorists only attack cities. Unfortunately, you couldn't be more wrong. Did you know in small towns like my own, bears are considered the terrorists of the forest? I didn't fucking think so.

     Did you also know that when God spoke to Noah, he specifically asked Noah to not allow any bears on the ark? And what did Noah do? He fucked up. Just take a few steps into the forest and look around people; there are literally bears everywhere!

    And it gets worse. Most people are not even aware of the water bear conspiracy...

Meet the tardigrade, also known as the water bear. 

        You may think this water bear is harmless because of its short stature. Unfortunately, you are dead wrong. Water bears may be the worst of the bear species (though scientists do not currently recognize the relationship between water bears and actual bears). They can survive the vacuum of space, live hundreds of years, survive temperatures as high as 304 degrees Fahrenheit to -458 degrees Fahrenheit, can withstand the pressure of 6,000 atmospheres, and pretty much make you look like a fat stupid weak piece of shit.

       Now that you have seen the facts for yourself, you are most likely thinking to yourself, "Shit. I have been a complete fool. Here I was hating on this American patriot for wanting to kill bears, meanwhile, I have been part of the problem! How can I redeem myself and help with this noble cause?"

       I have good news my friends. It is not too late! There are an infinite number of ways for you to help, and this blog is designed to guide you. Please stay tuned. With a little luck and a whole lot of love, we can annihilate all bears.