Basic Universal Bear Killing Technique

     I understand that many of you who visit this blog are mildly confused. You love the idea of bringing down the bears, but you don't know where to start. First of all, take a deep breath. Even us professionals get a few butterflies flapping around the stomach before a good ol' fashion bear hunt. Just look straight into the mirror and say, "fuck you butterflies! I'm a bear killer now!"
   
     Great job! Now you are ready to learn your first basic, universal bear killing technique! The first thing you want to do (after you are locked and loaded, of course) is visit your local grocer and pick up a large jar of peanut butter. Now, I know some of you advanced bear hunters are rolling your eyes right now and thinking, "oh, lord! He is using the peanut butter trick? What an amateur." Yes, this is a very basic technique. But I assure you, I have developed many of my own secret techniques that are so advanced they will make most veteran bear hunters dizzy. Be patient. This is just the beginning of our journey together.
   
    Now, if this is your first time, take two small steps into the forest. You should see 12 - 15 bears in plain sight. (WARNING: do NOT take more than three steps into the forest or you will be surrounded by bears!) Next you are going to open your jar of peanut, throw it a few yards away and yell, "BRING DOWN THE BEARS!" (Fact: bears are so stupid, you can practically yell anything and they will come).
 
    At this point, you should have 2 or 3 bears who have peanut butter stuck to the roof of their mouth. Perfect. Now get in a comfortable firing position and take your shot.

     Congratulations! You just successfully killed your first bear(s)! Now you are ready to learn your next bear killing technique (coming soon).