Bring Down the Bears! (a brief introduction)

Warning: This sun bear has no intention of eating fruit today. Are you willing to be the next victim? I didn't think so.

        Let me be very clear; there is not a species of bear that I do not hate. Even the beloved koala "bear" (which is technically a marsupial) deserves the worst and most gruesome of deaths. Maybe you are thinking to yourself, "but what about the elusive sun bear? Certainly you don't wish death upon a simple omnivore? Those bears are of no threat to you." WRONG! I don't give a fuck about sun bears. Do you really think they are harmless because they eat ants, termites, fruits and honey? BULLSHIT!

      Let me guess, now (besides crying like a little bitch) you are thinking to yourself, "why all the bear hate? Clearly this man is delusional." Wrong again mother fucker. Did you realize you are more likely to get attacked by a bear than be the victim of a terrorist attack? Well as I recall, there is a huge campaign to track down and kill terrorists. So let me ask you this, why do bears get granted immunity?

      Living  in the mountains, one might reason that I am safe from "terror." After all, terrorists only attack cities. Unfortunately, you couldn't be more wrong. Did you know in small towns like my own, bears are considered the terrorists of the forest? I didn't fucking think so.

     Did you also know that when God spoke to Noah, he specifically asked Noah to not allow any bears on the ark? And what did Noah do? He fucked up. Just take a few steps into the forest and look around people; there are literally bears everywhere!

    And it gets worse. Most people are not even aware of the water bear conspiracy...

Meet the tardigrade, also known as the water bear. 

        You may think this water bear is harmless because of its short stature. Unfortunately, you are dead wrong. Water bears may be the worst of the bear species (though scientists do not currently recognize the relationship between water bears and actual bears). They can survive the vacuum of space, live hundreds of years, survive temperatures as high as 304 degrees Fahrenheit to -458 degrees Fahrenheit, can withstand the pressure of 6,000 atmospheres, and pretty much make you look like a fat stupid weak piece of shit.

       Now that you have seen the facts for yourself, you are most likely thinking to yourself, "Shit. I have been a complete fool. Here I was hating on this American patriot for wanting to kill bears, meanwhile, I have been part of the problem! How can I redeem myself and help with this noble cause?"

       I have good news my friends. It is not too late! There are an infinite number of ways for you to help, and this blog is designed to guide you. Please stay tuned. With a little luck and a whole lot of love, we can annihilate all bears.